“New school new me!” same
line almost everyone says to start the new school year. Everyone striving for
those straight A’s, wanting to wear the best outfit or even trying to get the
most likes on instargam. Well that’s not how it is for me. Having a straight A,
magnacumlaude , beautiful focus sister doesn’t really help.
I started my year at moanalua during the summer in
colorguard. I should have known joining guard was the first point people would
start calling me “Danali’s little sister” or “mini Danali.” Although at first I
didn’t mind, being a freshman your first goal was to be known for something. As
I was finding my way through high school, making friendships and finding myself
it’s gotten harder to hear the same thing over and over “Mini Danali.” Coming
from my point of view it wasn’t a good thing. I’ve learn to always be myself
and to express who I really am, but how am I supposed to succeed that if no one
would give me the chance. I’m too busy trying to fill in the expectations people
expect me to do when my sister and I a two totally different people.
As if being called Danali’s little sister isn’t enough she
had the perfect grades that means not only people at school expected from me
but people at home as well. I remembered when I got scolding for my uncle
saying “What is wrong with this grade? I swear your sister never had these type
of grades.” And from that moment I told myself I would be just like her just to
make the people feel proud of me, But having this goal came to a point where
I’ve lost myself, I didn’t know who I really was. Trying to be what people
expect me to be because of my sister made me change who I am as a person. Not
saying it’s a bad thing but it’s not a good thing either.
When I realize me doing all these things made
me put a lot of pressure on myself. I
noticed “The more you do to be like her more of the real you will just
disappear.” Now being the sophomore it has brought me to the point that I need
to grow up. I’m not a kid anymore I need to start looking into my own future
not a future that people see for me. After this experience I’ve learned to be
myself in life and not try to be someone I’m not.
Touching story but it seems like you were starting to write a diary.
ReplyDeleteYour essay has a good topic and your content is very well. Although, your POV is always being switched. Make sure that if you're going to talk about the story from your perspective, you keep it that way. Or if you're going to talk about the story from a second point of view, you keep it that way and not use first person words. Also, there were a lot of grammatical errors that could be fixed (: Make these adjustments and your essay will be good & guaranteed to relate to so many people.
ReplyDeleteAS(2-)PLEASE WORK ON YOUR INTRO IT IS VERY WEAK BECAUSE OF THE IDEAS DISCUSSED ALSO THE LAST SENTENCE IN THE INTRO IS VERY CONFUSING AND CONTAINS WORD USE ERROR. I AGREE WITH ELIZABETH YOU NEED TO WORK ON PERSON TENSE SHIFTS YOU CAN'T GO FROM FIRST TO SECOND PERSON. FOR EXAMPLE" As I was finding my way through high school, making friendships and finding myself it’s gotten harder to hear the same thing over and over “Mini Danali.”" THIS SHIFTS FROM SECOND TO FIRST. IT SHOULD BE "FINDING MYSELF IT WAS HARDER" YOU ALSO NEED TO DISCUSS MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE DOING NOW THAT IS DIFFERENT INSTEAD OF JUST REPEATING BE MYSELF. PLEASE READ THROUGH ESSAY THERE IS ALOT OF GRAMMAR, WORD USE, AND SENTENCE ERRORS THAT MAKES IT AT TIME VERY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND.
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